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Rich Lanzer's grins for the day - 3 May 2015



Bill, Hillary and Vice President Gore were on their way back to Washington on Air Force One, when Bill said, "I'd like to drop a $100 bill out of the plane and make one person very happy."

Hillary thought for a moment then replied, "I’d rather drop ten, $10 bills out and make ten people very happy."

To which Vice President Gore said, "I would drop a hundred $1 bills out and make a hundred people very happy."

The pilot then spoke up and said, "Why don't all three of you jump out and make 250 million people very happy?"

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Bill and Hillary Clinton go to a Yankees game together.

They had VIP seats in the first row.

All of a sudden, a secret service agent comes up to Bill and whispers in his ear.

A few seconds later, Bill grabs Hillary and throws her out onto the field!

The SS agent comes running back to Bill and says, "Mr. President, sir, I think you misunderstood me. I said throw out the first pitch."

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A pregnant woman gets into a car accident and falls into a deep coma.

Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant.

Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them."

The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother, he's an idiot!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"

"Denise," the doctor says.

The new mother thinks, "Wow, that's not a bad name! Guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!"

Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?"

The doctor replies, "DeNephew."

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A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop.

The surgeon was there, waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike.

The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, can I ask you a question?"

The surgeon a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic...

"Try doing it with the engine running."

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His pediatrician asked six-year-old Johnny, who watched a good many TV adds, just to make conversation, "Johnny, if you found a couple of dollars and had to spend them, what would you buy?”

“A box of Tampax,” he replied without hesitation.

“Tampax?” said the doctor, “What would you do with that?”

“Well,” said Johnny, “I do not know exactly, but it’s sure worth two dollars. With Tampax, it says on TV, you can go swimming, go horseback riding, and also go skating, anytime you want to!"

4 comments :

  1. Great laughs. Take time to share these.

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  2. We must all hope the opening picture is one of the average 57 Virgins Islamic fundamentalists are forced to cross mate with.

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